Today I used a piece of toilet paper
(ingenious how the squares are perforated)
as a bookmark,
to mark the beginning
of a story in a journal
I pretended to mean to read soon.
My own pretensions in the bathroom, I’d guess,
are no more elaborate than those of any other,
but we prefer not to confess them,
which is why confessionals nowadays tend to be
outfitted with porcelain & brass conveniences, & vanities
of granite stacked with prayers, or leastways
paperbacks (suggestive of prayerful reflection,
a well-regarded, liturgical means of bargaining one’s way out
of bondage to repugnant functions),
all to function as a colossal ruse—for truly,
we know no sleight-of-hand swipe performed (however
adroitly the unrolled squares are wadded
or folded), nor our most adroit illusions of luxury
contrived of bodacious poses over prodigal devices,
can justify such unnatural exertions.
Nature’s call is much like that of the cleric’s behind
his proverbial curtain—indeed, a loaded business
we can’t but answer.
STEPHANIE L. HARPER
Who, me? Employ a fallacy of equivocation? NE-VER!
Reminds me of G.I. Gurdjieff’s Beelzebub, who attempts to understand our use of a “porcelain throne” to settle our calls to nature; & why we use handfuls of paper, he can’t really get his head round either. It’s been a long time since i read those books, but i think his conjecture was that every man could be a king on his toilet. i could be wrong.
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Lol! There’s an appreciable degree of arbitrariness to some of these mechanisms we’ve devised for the general management of primal impulses, that’s for sure…
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It’s not till you need to do it while you’re camping on a mountain that you realize our sanitized thrones for dumping in, are pretty good. Haha. My one criticism of your poem is it should be waaaaayyyyy more vulgar & need onomatopoeia hahaha. Sorry. Shameful i know.
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I dare say, dearest daniel, we are kindred spirits… 😇
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My goodness – much to think about – I have a sudden urge to redecorate the throne room! [Great bookmark suggestion]
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Haha! I can’t imagine being unique in my repurposing of T.P. into bookmarks, but in any case, I’m glad to have inspired! As for the prospective redecoration, let me know how everything comes out! Or, on second thought…
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Now THIS is true potty humor! 😮💩💩💩🚽
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Amen!
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Brilliantly done.
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Thanks, Leslie! I appreciate your endorsement, as it otherwise seems to be going over like a lead 💨… Lol!
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Ha! It’s quirky and clever.
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😉 Guess I can’t win ’em all… I’d actually just received a rejection letter for this one on Friday from a journal whose mission it is to publish work about everyday life that “puts its face right up to the glass.” The editor made a point of making sure I knew it was *almost* chosen for inclusion in the issue, and encouraged me to submit again. I guess, in the end, they weren’t quite prepared to take the transparency thing to the next level. Maybe I should’ve eased them into it before going full-Monty? Sorry, can you tell I’m just a little pleased with myself? 😀
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👏👏👏 They missed out on a gem!
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Pingback: Whitewashing the House | rivrvlogr
This made me think – in the distorted way my mind works.
https://rivrvlogr.wordpress.com/2017/12/17/whitewashing-the-house/
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I’m glad to have inspired! Though, I’d say a certain giant, orange turd gets most of the credit…
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lol
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