Hypochondria Blues
What you’ve got is only a touch of neurosis,
so don’t get your knickers all bunched in a twist—
such worries will give you a deep vein thrombosis!
Do you think there’s a prize for a self-diagnosis?
Stop looking for lesions; don’t palpate that cyst!
What you’re dealing with here’s just a bit of neurosis…
That smart phone is gonna cause spinal stenosis!
The search engine’s warning that if you persist,
you’ll likely wind up with a deep vein thrombosis!
You’d have known it by now if you had halitosis—
like a boil, it’s something not easily missed.
Better face it, you’ve got a small case of neurosis…
Now, what would possess you to google psychosis?
Let me guess… The voices submitted a list?
Are they helping you summon a deep vein thrombosis?
It’s not a news flash you’ve got some type of -osis—
but the poking of badgers is what gets them pissed…
So give it a rest! Embrace your neurosis!
Who needs all the fuss of a deep vein thrombosis?
(Just to be on the safe side, look up
pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis…)
STEPHANIE L. HARPER
SLHARPERPOETRY 
Pingback: Hypochondria Blues (with recording) | O at the Edges
Delightful recording!
Seeing this again amidst current anxiety swarms sure hits the spot with comic relief. Thank you!
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Thanks, Jazz! Yes, the idea was to inject a little levity into the ether. Stay safe, my friend!
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Thanks for this, very entertaining. I’m a herbalist so have witnessed the google-fed hypochondriac on many occasions. The power and disempower of information overload at work!
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Thank you! Yes, such immediate access to all that info is a double-edged sword, for sure.
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Haha, love the ending. Imagine being able to fit the longest word ever into a rhyme scheme! It’s been a while, but I’m back to writing – I’ve missed this!
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I’m so glad you appreciated my ultimate nerd move! I learned that word when I was 9 years old — it took a few decades to find its way into a poem! 🤓
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Heh, loved the nerd move. Could you pls read the latest story I wrote and tell me your thoughts? I was hoping to make it a proper nice and long story sometime
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I couldn’t figure out how to submit a comment on your blog. You’ve got an interesting framework for a YA suspense story so far. You are a skilled prose writer, which is the thing that poses the biggest challenge for most people. In your case, you just need to iron out some kinks in the plot and add in some details to make the whole pandemic backdrop more convincing (for instance, have the law enforcement people actually practicing social distancing measures during interactions with the public and each other). Good luck!
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Ooh, gotcha. I’ll work on it, and hopefully get back to you soon. Thank you so much!
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I absolutely will! It might take me some time, as (believe it or not) I’m recovering from Covid-19, which I was coming down with on the day I posted “Hypochondria Blues” in an attempt to convince myself that I was just being paranoid… Sigh.
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